Jokes
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An old man walks into a bar, downs a......
Wealth, Success and Love
A woman came out of her house and saw......
An Hour of Time
A man came home from work late, tired......
1 Dollar and 100 Dollar Bill
One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred......
Money Talks
There was this $20 dollar bill and a......
Make Money
A young man asked an old rich man how......
Cash Only Please
It can buy a house, but not a home. It......
College Fund
A kid called up his mom from his college......
Not to be out done
The other day, my friends and I went......
Paid to Worry
Fresh out of business school, the young......
Poor Math?
Johnny, If you had $5.00 and you asked......
You can't take it with you...
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't......
The Counterfeiter
A counterfeiter decided that the easiest......
The Offer
A millionaire throws a massive party......
Blonde Millionaire
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who......
1 Dollar and 100 Dollar Bill -*- TOP
One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and began talking about their life experiences.
The hundred dollar bill began to brag:
"I have had a great life," he said.
- I have been to all the big hotels, Donald Trump himself used me at his casino,
- I have been in the wallets of Fortune 500 board members,
- I have flown from one end of the country to the other!
- I have even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States, and once when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of gum."
In awe, the dollar humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever happened to me, ...but I have been to church a lot!"
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An Hour of Time -*- TOP
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure, what is it?"
"Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
"That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $35 an hour."
"Oh, "the little boy replied, with his head down.
Looking up, he said,
"Daddy, may I please borrow $10?"
The father was furious,
"If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. I work long hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish behavior."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $10 the man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep, son?" he asked
"No Daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on your earlier," said the man.
"It's been a long day, and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's that $10 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, smiling, "Oh, thank you Daddy!" he yelled. Then reaching under his pillow he pulled out some money
The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. As the little boy slowly counted out his money, the father grumbled, "Why do you want more money if you already have some?".
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied, "Daddy, I have $35 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
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Blonde Millionaire -*- TOP
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it...
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."
Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely!"
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo.
Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is your check.
You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne.
Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."
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Cash Only Please -*- TOP
It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.
So you see, money isn't everything...
I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.
A truer friend than me you will never find...
CASH ONLY, PLEASE !
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College Fund -*- TOP
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he had run out of cash.
Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???'"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
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Make Money -*- TOP
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Married for Money? -*- TOP
An old man walks into a bar, downs a drink and starts weeping uncontrollably:
"I'm 87 years old, and I just got married to a 25-year-old."
The bartender asks, "What ? Are you worried that she's with you for your money"
"No, she's an heiress and has twice the money I do," The old man replies.
The bartender then asks, "Are you worried about the age difference ?"
The old guy says, "No, we get along great"
Confused, the bartender then asks him, "Well, is it a sex problem ?"
"No, no. We make love all day and all night."
Out of ideas, the bartender asks him what the problem could possibly be.
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
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Money Talks -*- TOP
There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building.
As they were laying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long time ?"
The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball!! I been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. "
"In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all day retreat spa,, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino!! I have done it all!!! "
After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1 dollar bill, "What about you? Where have you been?"
The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church, the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints, the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the..."
"WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!!", shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church??"
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Not to be out done -*- TOP
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me!
Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
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Paid to Worry -*- TOP
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree,"the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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Poor Math? -*- TOP
Johnny, If you had $5.00 and you asked your father for $3.00 more, how many dollars would you have?
I would have five dollars...
You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny...
You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...
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The Counterfeiter -*- TOP
A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store.
He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"
The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man.
"Of course I can.
Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"
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The Offer -*- TOP
A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. During the party, he's a bit bored and decides to stir things up a bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across that pool. The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there's a loud splash.
All the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool a man is frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he leaps out of the pool, soaked.
The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give—-for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!"
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Wealth, Success and Love -*- TOP
A woman came out of her house and saw three old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them.
She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No," she said. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in," they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in. "We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she wanted to know.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love."
Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest." The woman went out and asked the three old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other two also got up and followed him.
Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!
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You can't take it with you... -*- TOP
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
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SuperKids International -*- TOP
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Ultra Frequency -*- TOP
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